Thursday, February 03, 2005


Feisty. Feisty. Feisty. What has inspired me to be so feisty today? My friend telling me about how controlling her husband is. Examples: He controls the money. He keeps track of her mileage. He asks her several questions every day when she gets home from work to find out who she has seen, spoken with, and whether or not she "acted professional" at work. He tells her that she is ugly, is too old to start over, has no prospects, and that no one would hire her if she were to quite b/c she doesn’t have a degree. She is not allowed to go to school b/c she might meet someone. She is not allowed to have friends. She is not allowed to trust anyone besides him. She is not allowed to call anyone. He wants her to get pregnant. He throws a tantrum, a serious tantrum, if she puts her hair into braids. She tried to leave him once before, but he went to her work and threatened to kill himself if she didn’t go back with him. And there is much, much more. But, on the bright side…she is planning on leaving him. So, because I know how wonderful all of my readers out there are I know that you will be enthusiastic in joining me in writing her encouraging messages to LEAVE THE BASTARD!!! Please leave all of your encouraging messages in my comments section so that I can send them to her. She is working on a plan so I’m sure that she would welcome any advice. The great thing is that she already has a couple of friends who have offered her a place to stay and a job when she leaves. They have also offered to go back to her house w/ her (including a sheriff/deputy) to collect the remainder of her things. I have also strongly suggested a restraining order.


Blogger Thérèse said...

Your friend is doing the right thing. No one has the right to control another's life so completely. It will be difficult at first, but her quality of life will improve drastically. Your significant other should push you to improve yourself and grow as a person, not hold you back from everything good in life. It sounds like she is in a bad, bad, place. Having a baby will make things worse in the house, and add a fragile life to the equation. This child will be another way for him to control her, and he/she shouldn't be. I feel sympathy for your friend's plight.


2/03/2005 09:31:00 AM  
Blogger Sarah Smile said...

Oh, dear, darling girl who's name I don't know, I'm so sorry that you have ended up in the place you are at. I would hug you right now if I could. Your life is worth so much more than what you have right now. If you doubt your worth, then just watch the way people will be willing to invest in you over the next couple of months while you build your own life. If there is anything I can do, let me know.

2/03/2005 10:03:00 AM  
Blogger Mamato2boys said...

Oh I am so glad that your friend has found the self love to take care of herself. She deserves so much more than that kind of life. I wouldn't wish that kind of life on my worse enemy. Obviously she is amazing otherwise he wouldn't be so worried about her straying. Somebody else might see what an absolutely amazing person she is in an instant and treat her like a human being and she would know that she needed to leave him. I wish her the best of opportunities ahead and to find a mate to be her loving partner and one that supports her in every way imagineable. People like that do exist! I found myself one :o)

2/03/2005 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger Jade said...

Dear Woman Who I Do Not Know:

I work in the Domestic Violence field, and your partner would seem to be demonstrating all the classic signs of abuse. He doesn't need to be physically violent in order to be abusing you.

I would suggest three things: Continue your planning to leave. Make a safety plan (what will you do if he acts out once you leave...). Call your local domestic violence organization and talk to someone about your situation. You don't have to reveal your identity, they don't need to know who your partner is, but they can give you some good advice about getting out in the safest way possible, and give you some of the support you need.

Your partner has likely succeeded in convincing you that you can't be loved by anyone else. This is a lie of the highest order. Until you can fully understand that, though, love yourself enough to leave.

Right now you probably feel very alone. The miracle is that you are not.

JadedJu (Jill)

2/03/2005 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger Calamity Shane said...

(From a peskyapostrophe reader)
Dear Brave Woman,

You have the right to freedom, a right to a supportive partner, a right to realize your potential. I'm sorry the place you're in right now is denying you of all of your rights. Sounds like you have amazing and supportive friends. I know you may feel vulnerable now but, once you leave him and start on the path to independence, you will experience life like you've never done before. Trust me, I know. I've been in a controlling relationship before. The people doing the controlling are insecure and need to put down others in order to try to buttress their own failing self-image. When I started to discover that I had the power to re-claim my life, all kinds of good things started to happen to me. Friends, strangers and family members were there for me. I was anythig but alone. I now own my own business, am in an incredibly loving relationship, and I feel, finally, at peace with myself. I know the first step is hard but, believe me when I tell you that it will be the first step down a path of possibility.

2/03/2005 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger Em said...

All of the degradation is obviously an effort to control the woman and make her feel there's no way she'll survive out there. Even pregnancy is really an effort at control. So tell your friend not to get pregnant by any means. Tell her also to study the options for getting a real income, like LAN administration, perhaps. Ideally, she needs to get a degree.
It's going to be hard, but it's absolutely necessary she get out of there and learn to live to her full potential. If she misses the window she'll be a shell for the rest of her life. Go. Now.

2/03/2005 06:18:00 PM  
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